Professor Brighteyes

OK guys, quiet down, get to your seats. No seriously, sit down.

Today, we are talking about heart failure. Heart failure’s like whatever. It’s when your heart stops working. Imagine how you felt when Eliot Smith died. That’s heart failure.

Sometimes you can tell when someone has heart failure but it’s hard. One time I felt really dizzy and thought I had heart failure but I had really just passed out in a gutter after a Bright Eyes concert. Common mistake, know that.

Yes, question? What’s your name? Lynn Anderson? Are you related to Wes Anderson? No? Unfortunate.  What is your question? Why did I not give out my slides in powerpoint form? My slides are all taken in polaroids.  So…question answered.

Moving along, here is a slide of your lungs in heart failure. Most people think pulmonary edema is pretty cool. It’s alright I guess—I knew about it before it was popular.

Here’s why we get pulmonary edema in heart failure: imagine you’re at a show for Broken Social Scene or…what’s another band you guys like? Coldplay? I just threw up in my mouth. OK then, imagine you have been bound and gagged in a trunk and you’re forcibly taken against your will to a Coldplay concert and it is overcapacity so you spill out into the streets. That’s your blood in your lungs during heart failure. Don’t ever mention Coldplay again.

Here is a slide of your liver in heart failure. 3 things of importance here: portal veins, bile ducts, right lobe. Here’s a mnemonic to remember them: PBR.

Here is a picture of jugular venous distention in heart failure.  You’ll want to approach the neck with a penlight to help define the pulse along the neck. And you’ll have to make sure you don’t get too close, otherwise your handlebar mustache can tickle the patient and you have to start all over again. Funny story: during my rotations, my attending once asked “can you shave that mustache?” and I responded “Is this a Dave Matthews Concert?” and he said “No, it’s a hospital” and I said “Then I’m not shaving my mustache.” Check. Mate.

Alright, I think that about does it for today. If you have any questions, I don’t respond to email but you can send me an ironic postcard instead.