My name is Sam.  I’m a squirrel, the common variety with light-colored fur and a big bushy tail.  Right now you’re probably thinking “Oh, that’s nice, but squirrels like you are everywhere.  They’re boring.  I’d rather watch apple slices turn brown than talk to a squirrel.”  Well here is a list of things that are everywhere, yet increase happiness substantially in the right time and place: money, coffee, IKEA furniture, body lotion, blueberry muffins, Michigan med student women wearing furry boots, Michigan med student men wearing blue collared shirts, pornography, burritos, bicycles, and squirrels.  Yes, squirrels can be just as exciting as pornography.  Look, I’m already naked.

by Priya Rajdev

It turns out squirrels have a lot of fun.  In fact, every day my friends and I get higher than the chairs at a Jewish wedding.  That’s right, us squirrels smoke marijuana.  And unlike for humans, it’s actually legal for squirrels to smoke marijuana.  Usually me and my buddy Terry, who’s a black squirrel (not related to Obama, as some local school kids claim), we go down to the Jolly Munchkin for some smoking and poker.  Mostly it’s just birds and grass snakes at the bar, but occasionally some real interesting characters come.  Like last week this aardvark showed up.  Usually I avoid playing poker with anyone whose name rhymes with “card shark” but this aardvark turned out to be all right.  I figured he’d be devouring insects left and right, but actually he’d converted to Jainism five years ago.  “So what do you eat?” I asked him. “I usually get Vegan VegAnts from Trader Joe’s; they’re right next to the Tofutti Tootsies” (vegetarian pig’s feet, apparently).  As long as no one tofutizes my acorns, everything’s cool.

So I hang out in the Arb quite a bit, and I see lots of couples walking on the trails.  It’s always interesting to observe the varying levels of PDOA.  For those of you unfamiliar with the “lingo,” or for members of the Providers of Doughnuts to Orphans and Albinos (God bless you), I’d like to remind you that in this case PDOA stands for Public Displays Of Affection.  By far the most common PDOA is Hand Holding (HH), followed closely by Laying On Top Of One Another Just Far Enough Away From The Trail To Make It Unclear Exactly What You Are Doing (LOTOOAJFEAFTTTMIUEWYAD).  Because HH is so common, there are several subcategories, including the “finger interweave,” the “four finger wrap” (preferred when wearing mittens or if you have syndactyly), “sporadic hand fondling,” and pattycake (advanced HH technique).  The other main PDOA, kissing, is highly controversial among PDOA experts.  Some claim that kissing is a perfectly respectable expression of love, but others think kissing looks like two people trying to eat each other and may cause children to grow up to be cannibals.  Personally I enjoy watching people kiss, although all that cheek movement makes me hungry for nuts.

The great thing about being a squirrel is you can pretty much do whatever you want.  I mean, no one is going to try to exterminate squirrels.  City parks advertise their “rich and vibrant flora and fauna,” and if you take out squirrels, your fauna component is down to pigeons, and everyone knows pigeons are dirty.  So I get away with a lot of shenanigans.  Like one time last summer in the Arb I saw this girl sun-bathing face down with her top unhooked, so she could maximize her risk of skin cancer.  I crawled up next to her cell phone, so that I could maximize my cancer risk, and a half hour later the phone rang and she grabbed me around the waste.  The girl shrieked as she jolted up sans top, some 12-year-old boys gasped, someone yelled “Oh come on, haven’t you seen Titanic?” and then I was chucked into a pricker bush.  But it was worth it.

Photo by Ashley DeHudy

In the Arb I see a lot of runners, and running styles.  Some people run by bounding in the air two feet higher than necessary, some people run like they have a stick up their butt, and some people don’t actually run but pretend to by swinging their arms madly, stomping their feet, and looking exhausted.  As a squirrel, when I run I look like I’m on crack.  People think squirrels make jerky movements because we have primitive neurologic systems, but actually it’s because we like to ensure that people driving cars have no clue which direction we’re planning on going.  Seriously though, the world would be a better place if people didn’t run with iPods.  First of all, if you’re listening to Metallica’s Enter Sandman while you’re running there’s no way you’re appreciating how charming us squirrels are.  Second of all, listening to music on your iPod is selfish.  If you’re going to get fired up with Eye of the Tiger, I want to get fired up too.  Why not tape speakers to yourself so everyone can listen?  Maybe you’ll inspire some overweight dude on his way to fill his Big Gulp, and suddenly you’ll be leading pigeons, squirrels, and fat people on a glorious exercise crusade.  You can do it; trade in your ear buds for shoulder-mounted subwoofers, and be an American hero.