Whale Trainer

Alright, for real.  Let’s talk about this whole med school business.

Do you like people?  Do you like medicine?  Do you like helping people with medicine?  Do you like the concept of friends asking you about medicine?  Would you like to answer with some unnecessarily long words which they won’t understand, thus ensuring they get that you are like, way totally smarter than them.  And last of all, would you finally enjoy dumbing it down so they understand?

If you answered yes to any of these questions (and let’s be honest, you did).  Then you should definitely abstain from medical school.  Abstain from it like like Zach Morris abstained from dorkdom.  Or like Screech just abstained.  I am not speaking facetiously, I am not speaking in hyperbole.  This is not some joke.  If you like those things, go get a phD, be a vet or even better, a whale trainer.

If you end up not believing me and do, unfortunately for you, end up in medical school then do yourself a favor and just skip the first two years.  I hear they’re worthless.

See, here’s the thing.  I have found that the first two years of medical school have almost no correlation with being a doctor.  The first two years is like learning how to drive in those shitty little driving simulators you had in high school.  No matter how many times you swerve to miss the dog who runs into the street on the simulator, chances are when you’re actually driving your music will be turned up so loud and you won’t even hear the yelp.  Yes, the first two years of school makes you kill animals.

Thus, the questions above had no correlation with the first two years of med school.  Instead you need to ask yourself these questions instead:

Do you like classrooms?  Do you like powerpoints with too many words on them? Do you like dead people?  How about cutting into dead people?  Have you ever opened a biochemistry book and felt your heart beat faster at the prospects of memorizing the Citric Acid Cycle?  Do you enjoy being laughed at by professors and older students alike?  Have you ever got a hard-on thinking about dissecting a humerus?  And lastly, and this one is important, do you want to be a doctor so bad you’re willing spend what will probably be a decade of your life constantly being reminded by yourself that you actually know nothing?

Yeah, enjoy being a whale trainer.



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