Dating Tips

by A. Stalker

Sup! My friends say I look like a movie star.

You know, if there’s one question I get asked more than any other, it’s “Why are you smelling my hair?”  But if there’s one question I ask MYSELF time and time again, it’s “Aaron Stalker, how in the name of sweet Mother Mary Joseph did you get so good with the ladies?”

And the answer is complicated.  It took me years of practice and a handful of trips to the federal penitentiary to refine the skills I have at my disposal today.  But now they can be yours.  So, my wide-eyed apprentices, read on below for a sure-fire guide on how to woo that special someone you’ve had your eye on for some time.

Let’s start with the basics.  What do you need to get the apple of your eye to fall for you?  Well, you can’t make lemonade without lemons, and you can’t woo a lovely lady without a big heart, a healthy dose of can-do spirit, and her social security number.  If you have problems getting her SS# on your own, try hiring a private eye or extorting her mother.

Next, you’re going to want to make some preliminary moves. Start sending her some little notes letting her know you care.  Some successful examples I’ve used in the past:

  • “Hi gorgeous, have a super day!”
  • “Your hair looks shiny when you walk out of the shower!”
  • “Paging Dr. Forgetful! You left the backdoor unlocked last night!”

Next, you’re going to want to begin learning a little bit more about your Juliet.  Other dating experts recommend “asking her out” to find out “what she likes.”  I find this technique “overrated”.  If you really want to play in the big leagues, don’t just find out what she likes–find out what she dislikes.  Is she afraid of spiders?  What makes her wet the bed at night? Does she own a gun? These are the little things that form the bedrock of intimacy.

Sounds great, you’re thinking, but I’m not good at speaking to women–my palms sweat, my heart races, I lose all salivary control and begin spitting profusely when I talk.  Don’t worry: these are all common anxieties.  More importantly, these are all treatable anxieties.  The key is to spend as much time as possible with the apple of your eye without having to verbally communicate with her.  Follow her home from work, camp out in the trunk of her car, hollow out a portion of the wall insulation behind her bed so that you can stand a couple feet away from her head while she sleeps.  You’ll feel more comfortable around her in no time (soon you’ll feel bad for how uncomfortable SHE feels!).

Finally, you’re going to want to show her you care (this is where that little bit of Casanova inside of you really gets to shine!).  There are innumerable ways to surprise a woman and show her how you really feel, but for the less creatively inclined, I’ve included a patented secret of mine that always sets a woman’s heart ablaze:

1) Think of something that women like–flowers, chocolate or a cute little pet.

2) Place it on their doorstep.

Then 3) Light it on fire.

It’s a great way to get someone’s attention and show you care at the same time.

Signing off,
A. Stalker



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