At approximately 5:12 AM, March 11th, Tammy Peoples noticed a letter addressed to her on the coffee table. “I wanted to take a shower after my run but the University of Michigan logo caught my eye,” explained Peoples in a statement given to police. Within twenty minutes of reading the official notice that her cumulative histology grade was under 75%, Peoples managed to raze her landlord’s home, eat her neighbor’s cat and throw a brick through the window of a scrapbook supply store. “I had a lot of things I wanted to take care of before the world ended,” she explained. “I was sure I’d doomed us all this time,” muttered Dr. Grump when asked for comment “maybe I just didn’t …” he trailed off. Much to both of their surprise, at exactly at 6:37 AM, the sun rose.

Tammy's report card.