Furstenburg Student Center, Ann Arbor, MI — A tired young man was the victim of medical-student on medical-student crime today, when a weary third year collapsed onto him in a post-call daze.

“I guess I didn’t realize what I was doing,” said the mildly apologetic M3 as he caught his breath between consecutive five-hour energy shots. “But he really shouldn’t have been in my designated no-lights prayer area that I use as a sleep space.”

“I was wearing an extra-fluffy Patagonia fleece, the kind that makes you look like a muppet. And yes, maybe I have gained a few pounds over the last couple of months,” noted the dough-faced pillow-shaped M1. Crossing his arms on his comfortable-looking paunch, he added, “That jerk totally knew what he was doing.”

The student council reviews its Furstenburg operational policies next week. Articles under consideration include the removal of all surfaces that may be used for sitting.

Right now is the perfect time for a nap.